Why You Aren't Really Solo When Traveling Solo: Befriending Your Amazing Self

I started solo traveling when I was 22. I didn't know it was a "thing" at the time.

But now you have websites (Wandering Bel) and social media pages promoting and using the title "Solo Traveler," showing or telling you how awesome it is to jet off to other countries or states. They mention how much freedom you have, not waiting for people, and how you can do whatever you want.

I am one of those people.

I have sung the praises of being a solo traveler for over a decade. I enthusiastically share why you must try solo traveling a few times to figure out what kind of solo traveler you are.

Over time, I developed one issue about solo traveling that most travelers don't discuss. It's not the airport delays, language barriers, or spending too much money.

The issue I have is that we are NOT solo when traveling.

You are thinking, “Bel, what are you talking about? If you are by yourself, then you are solo!”

Well….No…

For example, I was wandering through Colorado Springs and stumbled upon a cute brewery there. The bartender and I started to chat about why I was in town, which led to WanderingBel and my solo travels. It was a great conversation; he even indulged me when I became philosophical about him, saying I was conflicted about the term "solo travel.”

After patiently listening to me, he goes, “I’ve never thought about it that way before. That is an interesting take, and you are right.”

So let's dive deep into this concept, shall we?

Solo, But Not Solo 

I started to travel because I wanted to see places, and honestly, I didn't have friends to travel with. Over time, my travels transformed from seeing places to escaping my life. I wanted to vacate my life (a.k.a. vacation).

One time, I was in Chicago; it was a cold, snowy day, so I stayed in my hostel reading a book. That's when I took notice; I was a person in my own right, apart from society’s expectations. I started asking myself why I was escaping the life I had always wanted. That exchange lasted for 5 minutes until I was over myself.

As I kept traveling over the years, I started indulging in an internal dialogue with myself:

Who am I?

Why do I like doing XYZ?

Do I actually enjoy doing XYZ?

I really sat down with myself to figure everything out during my "Heartbreak Road trip." I couldn't escape who I was, so why not get to know myself? I was determined to get to know the person I had been ignoring.

We tend to forget that we are a person in life. We have likes, dislikes, needs, wants, desires, feelings, major fucking complicated feelings, and everything, just like another person.

Yet, we don't treat ourselves as a person should be treated. We foster relationships with friends, coworkers, celebrities, hell even random people on the internet. We invest our time and energy in other people and what they like/don't like. Yet some of us don't know why we want certain books or foods. Or why we even do the things we do.

Do you really know who you are as a person? 

If not, when did you realize you were not fostering a relationship with yourself? 

What have you learned about yourself that was shocking or surprising?

In my case, I had no idea who I was. I was a lost human who always did things because “I had to.”  I had to have a specific life to prove I could reach those heights despite the mental health challenges. All of this was because of a drive to seek others’ approval.

While traveling solo, I finally learned that I no longer needed their validation. I realized that I am freer and much less strategic when traveling.

I feel like a whole different person because the person I have been ignoring is finally starting to shine.

Fast-forward to 7 months later. I was on my birthday trip to Wyoming, Colorado, and Utah, still learning more about myself and even crying in front of a fire; I was really taking the time to allow that person inside me to come out since I had buried her so deep down.

Why are you really scared to travel solo?

I see other female travelers on these solo Facebook groups asking,

“How do I travel solo?”

"I am scared to travel solo. I don't want to be alone."

What about you? Have you sought guidance, or are you scared to travel solo?

While I know that some may worry about their safety (sadly, that’s the world we live in), I started to wonder what other reasons people may have that make them scared to travel solo. Could it be more than just the childhood trauma of not having friends? Could they be scared to travel solo because they don't know who they are as a person? And if they DO know who they are, may they not know how to handle themselves?

I have been there before, not wanting to sit at the bar alone, eat alone, or do other things alone. When I did those things, it symbolized that I was still that young kid in elementary and high school who couldn't get people to do things with me.

But now, I don't feel like that kid anymore. Instead, I feel relaxed and at ease because I am with someone. I'm with myself, and she is pretty badass. I feel a sense of confidence that I have lacked most of my life.

I sure the hell didn't know how to handle myself! Look what happened in Chicago; I started to realize I was a person, just to shut it down 5 minutes later. Now, when I travel, that free girl I spoke about comes through. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments of self-doubt and wishing I had a body next to me, but I did a lot of work to free that girl above.

To get to that girl, I had to work out my own shit, and I still do it today. I have sat undeniably broken in front of a fire or on a plane, asking myself:

Why am I the way I am?

Why do I always feel out of place with my family and friends but not strangers?

What do you need to feel secure again?

I learned that fostering a relationship with oneself leads to being secure again. You need to create space for yourself. If you don't, who will?

No one.

Solo traveling is scary, but you have yourself!

I will admit traveling with yourself is fucking scary, especially if you start to go down the rabbit hole of big thoughts and feelings, and especially if you pushed those feelings down so far that you really have to wrestle with them to get them back out.

It's even scarier when you must rely on yourself while traveling, especially if you don't have a strong foundation of self-trust.

How can we trust ourselves if we don't know ourselves?

It is also VERY awkward to have a deep and open conversation with yourself because some people will say you are a bit crazy if you talk to yourself. As uncomfortable as it is to have that conversation, it is one of the most liberating conversations you will have.

Just like you’d take the time to explore a new trail or city, take that same level of interest in yourself. That's when you can have a relationship with yourself. That's when you will see yourself as a person.

And that's when traveling isn't lonely anymore.