Important Things I Have Learned from Solo Traveling: You Can't Expect Yourself from Other People
When I was writing 7 Lessons I've Learned Since Creating Wandering Bel, I needed to add one more lesson, so I turned to my cousin and asked him. A few days later, I got a text:
"You can't expect yourself from other people."
I loved his suggestion, but it was a bit late to add it. It got me thinking about adding that lesson to this series, though. I mentioned this quote briefly in the “Important Things I Have Learned from Solo Traveling: How to Date Yourself” post, but let’s go over it more in-depth now.
You Can't Discover Who You Are Through Other People
I have learned this in the hardest possible way:
I can only have meaningful, authentic relationships once I know who I am. I didn’t know who I was most of my life, so I sought out other people to figure it out, especially when I didn't like myself.
Have you ever been told over an extended period that you’re something or someone that you’re not?
For the longest time, I was told what type of person I was:
Too much personality
Annoying
Not smart enough
Not gifted enough
When you’re told these words one too many times, you start to believe the lie. I did everything I could to become their opposite, leading me to over-correct. I felt like no matter what I did; I couldn't find the "right" self.
All I ever wanted was external validation. I did anything to get it since I had no idea who I was. I wanted validation from my classmates and even my family. But as I got older, I realized validation based on other people's expectations set me up for failure every single time. Time and time again, I got burned.
When I started to travel, I stopped seeking validation. Traveling helped me find myself, and it shut down those statements above.
This brings me to the next point.
Don't Expect Everyone Else to Understand You
Most of the time, I feel like people think I am too ridiculous, with a head too far up in the clouds and too excited about things, and I just felt misunderstood for most of my life. This made me feel judged. Have you been told this too? What have you been judged for?
If so, then we can be the president and vice president of the ridiculous club. Let’s get matching shirts while we are at it!
A friend and I were texting about how people don't understand me, and how I feel like, at times, people don't really support me. She responded back with this analogy she heard on the Peloton App.
Spoiler alert: this is where Hawaiian pizza comes in!
You are wondering, “What the hell does Hawaiian pizza have to do with not expecting yourself from others?” Surprisingly a lot, actually!
The analogy is
"Hawaiian pizza can be controversial . . . not everyone's favorite . . . but the people that love Hawaiian pizza will always find their Hawaiian Pizza. So have no shame in being controversial because you will still be loved."
I love this! Remember our matching shirts? Let’s get Hawaiian pizza on it, even though I am more of a pepperoni and banana pepper fan or all veggie. That's okay because other people like it. It’s just like how I have people who love Wandering Bel, even if many people may not understand why I do what I do.
And you, my friend? You have people who love your ideas, what you bring to the table, and even your so-called ridiculousness. So remember that Hawaiian pizza is a good thing!
Don't Expect Others to Believe in You
I wish I was mature enough to learn this when I was younger. It would have saved my mental health. At a very young age, people didn't believe in me because life decided to give me a more challenging set of playing cards.
Whenever I shared my goals and dreams with people, I faced judgment, questions, and doubts. Because of this, I got my stubborn “fuck you, I will prove you wrong” chip on my shoulder. This lovely chip helped me in many ways.
I would not be here writing this if it wasn’t for that!
However, it really fucked with my mental health. That constant fight to prove myself took a toll on me to the point that I resent those people for putting me in that situation at an early age.
I am curious, did you face the same pain as I did? If so, did you handle it better than I did?
There is so much pain when you want people to see and appreciate you, and you want to be built up since you didn’t have the confidence to do so yourself.
Creating this website was finally the final straw. It reinforced that it’s important not to waste your time waiting for others to believe in you.
Bet on yourself.
Trust yourself.
Believe in yourself.
Your relationship with yourself is the most important one in your life.
I know this is much easier said than put into practice. But I promise you, the more you believe in yourself, the less you expect yourself from others.
And if don’t have someone who believes in you, then count on me as someone who does—message me anytime you want!
You Can't Expect Yourself from Other People
I know when my cousin suggested this to me, he meant that I couldn't expect the things I do from other people. It's funny how you finally find yourself, your voice, your life, etc., and then you flip it onto people, and you expect others to have the same mindset.
Guilty.
I have issues with people not matching my work ethic, motivation, giving/compassion, and sense of adventure.
I am fully aware people are not obligated, nor do they necessarily have the capacity to give the same energy as you give to them. It's tough for me not to take it personally at times. Not to say I'm the standard, but I really wish I wasn't so driven and demanding of people or myself.
For instance, when someone doesn't take my advice or listen to me, I feel disappointed and question myself. How people respond or act toward me sometimes affects my mood and my actions. I know this sounds very childish, but it stems from not being listened to.
I am not saying I am perfect; I am most undoubtedly imperfect. But it drives me nuts when people seek my advice just to turn around and not use it. To me, it feels like they just wasted my time.
In some ways, going from looking for yourself in people to making people be like you is a full-circle moment.
Don’t Expect Others to Do Things You Would Not Do
I want to end this piece with this concept. If you wouldn't do fill-in-the-blank, don’t expect others to do it.
If you don’t believe in yourself, others won’t.
If you don’t trust yourself, others won’t.
If you don’t heal yourself, others won’t.
I experienced it so many times and kept getting upset with people. But I was the one who I should have been mad at. I learned to love, care for, and take adventures with myself.
I finally learned to do everything that others can’t do for me.
This is why solo traveling is essential it allows us to find ourselves, and that, in turn, helps us realize why we can’t expect ourselves from others.
My friend, let’s go on an adventure, shall we?