Important Things I Have Learned from Solo Traveling: How to Date Yourself
As Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City once said,
“The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself."
When I read this quote in college, I had no idea what it meant. How can you have a relationship with yourself? These words finally made sense to me when I started to travel. To have a relationship with yourself, you first need to date yourself.
I mentioned this concept a few times on Wandering Bel, as recently as in my last post: "Important Things I Have Learned from Solo Traveling: How to Trust."
I love the concept of dating yourself because people typically need to spend more time with themselves to know who they are. We are so hyper-focused on other people that we don't give ourselves the time of day.
Now, entertain me for a hot second. When I mean, we hyper-focus on other people, we "date" everyone in our lives but ourselves.
If you have ever been to a job interview, you are answering questions about yourself for other people and wondering if the job is a good fit for you.
If you are looking for a roommate, you ask them questions to get to know them to see if they are a perfect fit.
When figuring out if we want to be friends with someone new, we interview them and see if we will vibe.
If you are trying to hire a nanny . . .
A house cleaner . . .
And yes, if you go on an actual date . . .
What About Time for You?
When was the last time you took some time for yourself? I mean, when you really took a deep introspective dive to discover new passions, quirks, or pet peeves? Or certain things about yourself that are now nonexistent?
Every day we ask everyone else in our life questions until one day, shit hits the fan, and that's when you start to question everything.
Who am I?
Why do I do the things I do?
Do I actually love doing . . .?
Why don't I know what I want anymore?
But what if I could save you from when the shit hits the fan by telling you to do one thing?
Date. Yourself.
What Does It Mean to Date Yourself?
It means you take the same energy for yourself you give to others:
Making yourself feel loved
Connecting with your inner self
Building a healthy relationship with yourself
If we can have relationships with our hairdresser or even our favorite bartender, we sure the hell can have one with ourselves.
When you date yourself, you unearth things you may not have known before, and taking time to recognize them will help you better navigate life.
I have learned the hardest possible way: I can only have meaningful, authentic relationships once I know who I am. That's because I didn't like myself. When I didn't like myself, I sought myself in other people—another concept I will discuss in another post.
I didn't know it was an issue when I started as a solo traveler.
All I knew was that I had no one to do something with and was tired of waiting. So, I traveled. I still remember my first trip to Canada. I was road-tripping from Western PA, where I attended grad school, to Niagara Falls, Canada. I had no idea what I was doing. But the moment I crossed the border, I felt excitement.
Butterflies. And love.
I thought I fell in love with travel, which I did. But I also fell in love, for a hot second, with the person who showed up on this trip. And that was me. I didn't know I had this other side of me.
Fast forward to the fall of 2018. Dating was going horribly, my friend group was filled with drama, and all I wanted to do was to hide. Every Friday for months, I went to this coffee shop down the street from me that had live music sometimes—and decent wine for a coffee place. I sat there with a book and just read for a few hours. Then I went home and prepared to work the weekend at my second job.
Those Friday nights meant the world to me because I was returning to myself. I didn't know it then, but I was learning how to ground myself when life decided to be . . . life—learning how to be a friend to myself. I wanted something since I needed a better group of friends. And it's funny, a few months later, I met my ex, and honestly, I had one of the best relationships I’d ever had until it ran its course. Finding and grounding myself prepared me for that relationship and the hot mess that came after that relationship.
It was harder to date myself after my breakup because the whole world shut down, but I did a fuck-ton of yoga and got myself more and more into the great outdoors. Because of that, I have Wandering Bel. I invested in myself, and investing in yourself makes you better equipped to enter a new phase in life.
When things started to reopen, I began to take myself out on dates every week to my favorite brewery, since my coffee shop was closed, to recreate that magical feeling of finding myself. I brought my book and then, finally, my laptop to work on Wandering Bel. I was trying to find myself once again. In some ways, I have, but in other ways, I still need to take myself out.
Finding Happiness Is Personal.
Being happy doesn't have to depend on others—a concept that is finally sinking in!
When you date yourself, you rely on yourself for happiness; let's be honest, you are the only one who makes you happy. When you learn how to date yourself, doing things on your own becomes easier.
What does it mean to take yourself out on a date? If you google this, you will see 100 articles saying.
Dress up and enjoy a meal at your favorite restaurant
Have a spa night
Do something that gets you outside your comfort zone
All of these are great, and I have done all of them.
And while a spa night is wonderful, what matters most is doing something that truly makes you happy. That may be solo traveling, doing a paint night, or even reading a book alone in a bar like me. What’s important is that you treat yourself like you’d treat your dream date—because that dream date is you.
I want you to get comfortable with going out to eat by yourself because your confidence will skyrocket. I want you to get excited about doing a solo hike because your self-esteem will soar. No matter what activities you choose when you date yourself, you'll fall into a new, fearless pattern of certainty. It will take time; it will feel awkward and a little scary. But if we can swipe right on people and date them, then I know for sure you can do it with yourself.
Of Course, Now You Need to Deal With Yourself—No Escape!
Just like any relationship in your life, there will be highly annoying and challenging times, but you can always escape and take a breather away from another person. However, you can't do that by yourself. That is something I learned when I was camping solo. I know how to allow myself to be. The craziness. The wildness. The stubbornness. The lost person.
I permit myself to be me. Once I learned to do that, it helped foster better relationships. Also, it allowed me to pause. Now, when I get bothered by people, I know I'm having issues with myself because getting irritated by others shows us we need to work on something of our own.
Learning to love being alone is one of the best things you can do for your happiness and overall well-being. You see, no matter what else happens, you'll always have yourself. You are never alone. Get to know the person you are, and enjoy their company.
And therefore, solo traveling is essential.