Why You Must First Be Broken to Really Live: A Denver to Moab Solo Trip- 2020

It's interesting how life happens and how people come into your life. For the last three years, I have wondered about the events in my life, from my heartbreak to the pandemic and life in general. Initially, I had a long post about the rise and fall of my ex and me and wondered what his purpose in my life was. He was my first love, and I really thought his intention was to push past my comfort zone and show me a different way to live, more of a simpler and calmer life, because he brought a sense of peace over me that I had never experienced with anyone before or since. He also taught me to play more in nature, focus on myself, stop worrying about others' thoughts, and just be me. As powerful as that is, I recently learned that this wasn't his sole or primary purpose. 

My breakup was a couple of months before the global pandemic. I did everything to try to heal my broken heart. Before the world stopped, I traveled to Caymans, Telluride, and Seattle. Usually, travel helps me process the shit that life throws at me. In some ways, each trip helped me process, but for months and months after the breakup, my ex and I did this dance…this flirtation of being in each other's life and not. This dance, coupled with a global shutdown, I became a really broken human. I'm sure the feelings of my breakup would be less intense if the world didn’t down, and I didn't have to sit at home hurting while my first love was out dating a new person.

While the world and myself were hurting, I went headfirst into my at-home yoga practice since my studio had to shut down. I did 2-4 classes a day; I read many yoga books and self-help books, leaned on my friends and my aerial/ yoga community heavily, and did anything to distract myself from the pain. Doesn't that sound familiar since we all distracted ourselves during the pandemic?

That summer was the hardest for me. I felt stuck in DC since traveling wasn't acceptable, but I needed an out. I secretly escaped to Telluride in July, trying to feel "normal" again. It helped a little, but I was still hung up on my ex. I swear the universe played cruelly on me throughout my trip. For example, when I was waiting for my flight at 4 a.m., CNN played something about where he lives. I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me right now? It's too early in the morning for this!" The universe kept bringing him back into my life when I tried to forget him. I think we all can relate to this. Look at the pandemic; no matter what channel you turned on, they were talking about COVID all the time when we all just wanted to run.

Fast forward to October 2020. While waiting for a new job to start, I decided to fly to Denver and drive out to Moab. Two nights before I flew to Denver, I decided to text him while camping. I tried to be sly and asked him if he would go to Moab anytime soon since he often goes there. I was hoping he wasn't. He picked up that I was heading out west. We did the dance we are known for a while I was out there.

I swore I would never go to Utah or anywhere he went. Yes, I became that bitter person with a list of places I "banned" myself from visiting out of hurt, spite, and every other emotion. This trip was about doing things I had stupidly "banned.” I wanted to experience new places, heal, and hopefully learn about myself. The natural wonder of Utah helped me with that. I swear I was in a different universe, which I needed. I camped alone and survived 40 mph winds while camping in Buena Vista. I fell in love with road-tripping. If you know me, I hate road-tripping by myself, especially on the East Coast. I get so bored and tired.

But driving for hours out West is a different story. There is so much to see, appreciate, and focus on--it's easy to be in the present moment. I had a song on repeat while I was driving all over Moab and Colorado; “New Heights” by Ellie Goulding. It was fitting because I finally started to feel like I was beginning to reach new heights because of this trip. The song's bridge reminded me of my breakup, but it also instilled this concept we hear all the time, love for yourself. I was craving the love I lost from someone when I lost my love for myself.

“Reaching these new heights
Love without someone else feels right
Love for myself in this new light
Something much deeper inside”

-Ellie Goulding

This trip solidified the concept I spoke about in my first post: you are never alone, even if you travel alone or feel alone. You will always find at least one person to help, learn from, and experience your travels with. For example, I was looking for a campsite in Moab, which was booked. This older guy in his 80s and his son in his 20s waved me down. They told me I could pitch my tent next to theirs for the night. They even gave me food. I tried to turn it down because I had my own. They would not take no for an answer. They took me in, and this was when it hit me that I found my second community, my travel community. The travel community will save you in more ways than you ever realized. He saved me that night by allowing me to camp and helped put a piece back into my heart.

When I left Colorado at the end of that trip, I felt a little stronger; as time passed, I became stronger, more confident, and more self-assured. I learned that I need to take better care of myself, spend more time in nature, spend more time traveling, and learn to let go of all the narratives in my head. My aerial/ yoga and travel community really saved me in ways they don't know. My two communities played a huge part in picking up the pieces of my broken heart and mending my heart back together. I will always be in debt to them.

Some of my friends don't understand why I give my ex credit after he hurt me multiple times, but deep down, I know he is a good guy. Humans… we are messy… we are complicated.. and we don't know what the hell we are doing. Without our relationship, the breakup, the global pandemic, my aerial/ yoga, and my travel community, I would not have made this blog the way I intended.

Being broken isn't fun; it's not pretty, and it fucking sucks, but I needed to be fully broken to start this new chapter of life.